UMBC sees uptick in applications among fools who only hear about universities through athletic success

(SP) – Thanks to its historic victory over the No. 1 seed in the 1st round of the NCAA Tournament, the University of Maryland, Baltimore County has seen a huge increase in the number of student applications in recent days, giving the school the opportunity to choose the best and brightest among a group of idiots who only know about universities through sports.

« This is an exciting time to hear at UMBC, » said university president Freeman A. Hrabowski III. “We continue to be a regional leader in research and technology, but only now, by winning a game in the NCAA tournament as a 16-seed, have we gained national attention. I can’t tell you how many applications we’ve received in the last 48 hours with essays about how apps love the Retrievers basketball team almost as much as they love the Warriors, Patriots, and Alabama football. It’s awful. One app just had emblazoned across the top: « I like you because you’re good at sports. »

UMBC has a current enrollment of more than 13,000 students and an acceptance rate of about 59 percent, but university officials say the acceptance rate will likely have to drop into the single digits this year or « we’re going to be inundated with dolls with all the knowledge in the world depending on the what’s in that day’s sports news. »

Hrabowski said that while he appreciates the attention the university is receiving and hopes it highlights UMBC’s many academic offerings, he would like to remind prospective applicants that this basketball success is likely to end forever.

“We were 7-25 two years ago,” he said. « It is almost certain that our coach will leave. We’ll be awesome again in no time. And we don’t even have a football program. We want students here who want to go to a school like that. »